Doctor's Day 2008. Who Knew?

So yeah, I guess tomorrow, March 30th, according to the University of Michigan Health System, is National Doctor's Day. And I guess the University of Michigan Department of Internal Medicine felt I should be aware of this because, well I don't know, maybe because I tend to spend a lot of time hanging out at the hospital. When I opened the promotional materials sent to me making me aware of Doctor's Day, I immediately asked myself, "How can I best join in recognizing the splendid efforts of the fine physicians at U-M on Doctor's Day?" The answer is simple. I can "Make a Difference Through a Unique Tribute" of a tax-deductible donation, as recommended in the enclosed fundraising form. The Department of Internal Medicine has conveniently chosen a few monetary levels at which I can express my gratitude: $50, $100, $500 or "Other."

Now, in the last few years, I have learned a few things about hospitals, insurance coverage, medical billing and the like, so I know that even though patient medical bills seem to be exorbitant hospitals still need to budget their resources and a little extra cash in the coffers always helps. But, milking me in the name of doctor appreciation, well, that strikes me as a bit disingenuous.

I am made aware that I can make my donation in the name of my favorite U-M Internal Medicine specialist. Oh, how nice, but I have so many more questions. Is my chosen doctor going to get a cut? Is there a tote board in the break room keeping a running total raised by each doctor? "Jim, your patients are really sending in the scratch. Keep up the good work." How will I choose which Internal Medicine doctor to recognize? The last time I was at the hospital for a stay, I saw eight different Internal Medicine doctors, and that's not counting the two Plastic Surgery residents or medical students who came in my room to poke around. For reals, Yo. Eight. Plus, I would like to think that my favorite Internal Medicine doctor is already aware of my satisfaction with their care. A showy, unnecessary display of gratitude on my part would just embarrass them; s/he isn't big on P.D.A. (I'm playing the pronoun game so as not to hurt the feelings of the other seven). And cash donations are so cold and impersonal. It's like giving a gift card at Christmas: "I like you, but not to the extent to know you well enough to buy you anything specific." How about if we all just sign one of those oversized Thank You cards? No?

So here's my thing: If I do send some greenbacks your way U-M, can you guys get cracking on figuring out a more effective method of encouraging tissue growth around my wounded ass bone? I'm not complaining and I'm definitely not a doctor, but it just seems the traditional method of lie-around-and-wait-and-see is really time-intensive. I'm just asking because I had a couple things I wanted to do this...7 months ago.

The Michigan Difference

The last few years, the university has touted "The Michigan Difference" as their main message in all of their advertising and so all of the publicity media have the same general look. The Health System advertising is the most prominent: atmospheric, instrumental version of the Michigan fight song playing in the background, shots of diverse doctors and nurses at work, a montage of patients with horrific scars overcoming adversity, someone doing science, someone writing something important on glass, a voice-over extolling how awesome it all is, ends with "The Michigan Difference." The Doctor's Day materials are no different and are of the highest quality. It's a presentation that subtly says, "We're not cutting corners on this, and you're going to give us a lot of money." Their print shop uses great card stock, it even smells professional. I read the spiel about Doctor's Day 2008 and looking back over the front of the donation form--an assemblage of images of U-M doctors in varied types of work--something caught my eye. The doctor in the middle of the frame is holding a Foley catheter. And. He. Looks. Mesmerized.

Um, Why?

"Hey Bob, we're putting together the promo for Doctor's Day 2008 and were wondering if you'd like to be in the photo collage on the front of the fundraising form?"

"What's Doctor's Day? Never heard of it."

"Just this thing the hospital is doing to raise money."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And why me?"

"Oh, we heard you're doing some really some cool stuff with your research and the Department wants to showcase you."

"Wow. That's really nice. What do you need me to do?"

"Just hold this out in front of you like so...and sort of look towards it and not at the camera."

"This?"

"Yep."

"...But this is a catheter."

"Yeah, I know. Try to look at it with interest--"

"My research is in nanotechnology and--"

"I know and we're real proud of what you're doing...Now really focus your gaze."

"But this is a catheter."

"Yes, but nanotechnology is hard to photograph and get you in the picture."

"What if I look up from a microscope or something?"

"We already did that."

"We did?"

"Just hold it up a little higher, but don't look so much at me."

"Can I hold something like a--"

"Like what, Bob?"

"How 'bout an artificial heart?"

"That's been done too."

"By who?"

"Uh, that kind of goofy looking guy."

"Ted?"

"Yeah, him. And he's Surgery anyway, and this is for Internal Medicine--"

"Well, I'm not a Urologist!"

"Well I know that, but come on. This fits our theme."

"How does this fit our theme?"

"I don't know, 'Our doctor's are passionate about medcine, even the mundane things'."

"When's the last time anyone saw a doctor place a catheter?!"

"I don't know--"

"Can't you just take my picture?"

"You have to be doing something."

"Seriously?"

"Look, I still need to get a shot of Johnson and some old lady before lunch."

"But this is a catheter!"

"Dude. Do you want to be in the picture or not?"

"...I guess."

"Good. Now try to look really interested in the cathe--...You're still looking into the camera, Bob."